June 26, 2017
It’s our 30th anniversary today, and it’s certainly the strangest anniversary we’ve had. We spent the morning in the cancer clinic and chemotherapy suite which is always strained and difficult. I find I am raw today and I cried for the first time in front of our nurse practitioner who has become our primary care provider. Maybe it’s because it’s our anniversary, or maybe I just needed a reason to cry since I haven’t been openly crying lately. But today held more questions about the future and the long term outcome for Michael.
Today also made it clear that the “year of chemotherapy” we began this journey with, wasn’t really just a year. At that time I naively believed that I could get through a year. It’s only 12 months. It will be difficult but doable. Now we’ve been offered yet another drug after this one, and the promise of more chemotherapy advances in the future if that one doesn’t work. In other words, Michael could be on chemo until the day he dies which is exactly what happens to a great many patients.
I asked about the future if we stop the chemo and of course, she doesn’t have any answers. We can’t know what would happen if Michael quits the chemo, and we can’t know what happens if he stays on it. But she is really glad that we are talking about the quality of life and she wishes everyone would talk about it rather than just going from drug to drug to drug.
It’s Michael’s decision of course, but the quality of life right now is terrible. He’s tired, and there’s a lot of sitting around the house, timing the various daily therapies, and eating mushy, gravy-laden foods that are the only things that work with his dry mouth and swollen tongue. His skin looks sick and sallow and his eyes have constant bruising and tearing. Even a little scrape against clothing can cause bleeding and cuts that don’t heal for weeks. Our days are full of numbing sameness and our nights are full of searching the TV for something uplifting or interesting.
So today is a harder day, and as one of my friends says, it’s not going to get any easier. The longer we walk this road, the harder it becomes. It’s just the truth of long term mortal illness and the endless machinations of drugs and treatment regimens.
And because it is our anniversary, I’ve been thinking about our marriage vows more deeply. In fact, I went to the bookcase in which I was sure I had stored our vows only to find that the book I’d written them in wasn’t there. It’s not anywhere that I thought it would be and I’m puzzled by the metaphor that appears before me now – the “loss” of our vows. Clearly, it is a good time to deepen into those vows of 30 years ago but I have to do it from memory rather than from the actual words.
I’m sure there was something in the vows about “in sickness and in health” — some kind of acknowledgement that we are in this together, come what may. But we were so young then – mid-30’s – and we didn’t have a clue about what we were promising. Both of us were healthy active adults with children to care for, careers to grow, and a house that promised to hold us all together. We’ve been lucky. Our marriage has been a joy and a fellowship of mutual support, kindness, and deep soul connection.
Now with Michael’s illness, the “in sickness” part of our vows has become much more real. Though I had kidney cancer 18 years ago my recovery was relatively quick and uncomplicated. It left me with years of unexplained fatigue but we still went to work, went on vacations, had parties, visited grown children, had friends over for dinner, and lived a more or less ordinary life. Now our life is far from ordinary and both of us mourn its demise.
So I support him in his sickness knowing that it may never be healed, knowing that whether I like it or not, I choose to live out this vow made 30 years ago. It’s a tougher vow than I realized at the time of course, but it’s a vow that speaks to one’s integrity and one’s soul and I know that I am growing in both of these.
We spoke with a psychic recently, a woman we trust, a woman who has given us good advice over the years. And I’ve been watching Michael since that time, watching to see what he is going to do with the information she gave us.
She said Michael’s illness is all about the long term karma of self-sacrifice. She said he’s been a healer in many lifetimes, and each of those lives has involved giving too much and not receiving enough in return. She says the cure for Michael is to meditate on the light and dissolve into it. He’s good at this and he takes this task seriously. The cure is also for him “to learn the energy of receiving.” He must open his heart and receive love from others.
He’s been puzzling over this and I’ve been asking him what he thinks it means. So far, no real answer has emerged for him and I’m not really sure that one will. The psychic also said that since Michael has attained a level of enlightenment, he will not have to return to an earthly existence. So today he sees our whole scenario as a “win-win” situation — either he’s healed and he lives a normal life span, or he dies and he dissolves into the Oneness that is his true home.
In our conversation about the psychic reading he asked me what I needed and I found myself saying, “I need you to get better!” It was so childish, really, a child’s cry against the unwavering reality of physical decline. I knew it was childish but it was also true, and I dissolved into tears.
I can see that these patterns probably aren’t going to change. For what is the energy of receiving? It must involve the opening of the heart and truly knowing that you can’t do it alone. And this is a man who has always done it alone as long as I was at his side. He has never admitted defeat, has never needed anyone but me to help him, has never been overwhelmed by this life, this illness.
But I can also see where this is leading. At some point, he will be gone, and I can see that at the level of his enlightened consciousness, it’s all the same to him.